I’m at the Milwaukee Secure Detention Facility (MSDF), an institution in the Wisconsin Prison System (WPS), participating in the Earned Release Program (ERP). It’s Wednesday which is a no group day and we’re supposed to be working on something ERP program related. Work is pretty thin for us at this stage called Phase III. But I found something to do. I wrote the outline for the skit that I volunteered to do at the last community meeting and ERP group member Russ Johnson agreed to assist me with. It will be on the topic of pretentiousness, focusing on how you can suffer from alcoholism despite having money, friends, and a good family. You might ask if asking Johnson to help was done on purpose especially in light of the kind of person he is. Not entirely would be my answer. He asked for my assistance on his skit so I thought it okay to ask for his help on mine. But the thought did cross my mind when preparing the skit. So Wednesday is spent largely in the cell by choice. My cellies also now spend the majority of their time in the cell as I do, especially ERP group member Larry Sands. And yes him and Brian Whalen still tell their raunchy stories but not as much as they used to. Cellie Corey Ball makes comments about teenage girls because he figured out this really gets under my skin. He means to tease, please don’t think he’s a predator. He’s become the go to guy for making hot water for other folks, using metal prongs in a radio cord, then sticking it in a trash can with saltwater, then plugging it in and waiting for it to nearly boil. This leads to a parade of people coming to the door with soda bottles full of water for Ball to put in this trash can. Inmates make decaf coffee, refried beans and other such things through this. He usually gets little for his efforts and takes on all the risk. But he’s indicated he is going to stop doing it now, especially since his graduation is so close. If you get caught doing this, you will go to the hole and you are putting your whole program at risk so his decision makes sense. He hasn’t blown the electricity yet like others did so that’s good. Though my cellies can be annoying at times, I generally like all 3. I’m going to get 2 new ones after Whalen and Ball leave in mid-May so I pray that goes well. No one like Andre Charles please! I started a new book today courtesy of Johnson called Decision Points by former President George W. Bush. It’s a good read. At mail call I did get an interesting letter from my biological father’s sister. As you might recall we have been going back and forth with e-mails through my sponsors now that we have found each other, along with a cousin. She revealed what I suspected. She and my father were horribly abused by their father and stepfather, physically and sexually, for years. I hadn’t know about the stepfather. But the sick person he became, I completely now get why he did what he did. It’s not ok, but I understand. I replied by apologizing for being angry at their family for so many years for not protecting me and thanked her for sharing. She says this information can never be shared. I’ll respect that. She also said she loved me and I told her the same.
Posts Tagged ‘purpose’
Some Like It Hot
Posted: November 7, 2011 in UncategorizedTags: alcoholism, Andre, assistance, ball, bottles, Brian, Bush, cell, cellie, cellies, Charles, cord, Corey, courtesy, cousin, decision, Detention, door, efforts, George, girls, Information, inmates, Institution, Johnson, Larry, letter, member, Milwaukee, money, MSDF, person, Phase, Points, predator, President, Prison, Program, prongs, purpose, radio, Release, Russ, saltwater, Sands, Secure, skit, soda, Some, stepfather, System, Though, topic, Whalen, Wisconsin, Work
A Christmas Card for Lisa
Posted: March 3, 2011 in UncategorizedTags: Again, alcohol, Also, Andre, Angus, area, assignment, assignments, attitude, attitudes, bathroom, card, cell, Change, Charles, Christmas, coordinator, dayroom, definitions, Detention, direction, drug, everybody, facilitator, figures, friends, gratitude, Grey, haven, history, inmates, Institution, Jail, Last, Lisa, Lynn, Meat, Milwaukee, Mission, MSDF, Open, orientation, paths, pieces, pong, Positive, Prison, Program, purpose, reaction, Release, resentment, room, Secure, snack, statement, Stick, System, times, treatment, vacation, Waukesha, Wisconsin, word, workbook
I’m at the Milwaukee Secure Detention Facility (MSDF), an institution in the Wisconsin Prison System (WPS), participating in the Earned Release Program (ERP). Last night we got canteen a day early (Tuesday) than normal because of the upcoming Christmas break. I went a little nuts this time because its Christmas and anticipating time off I’ll want to snack on something. I also ordered one of the generic Christmas cards they sell and sent it to Lisa. I was incarcerated in the Waukesha County Jail (WCJ) at this time last year and I so went to pieces missing my former family. I rarely hear from Lisa now, usually only when she is mad at her mom and she figures writing to me will upset her. Such is the way of teenage girls. But I wanted to let her know I haven’t forgotten. They have moved on and have forgotten me. I still think of them everyday, praying that they are ok and succeeding. I even pray for Lynn, even though she wronged me so. I occasionally catch a wave of resentment washing over me but I quickly remember that the most loving thing I can do is to let them go, pray they forgive me for the wrong I’ve done, and let go of the anger and resentment I felt. It serves no purpose other than to make me miserable. It won’t bring them back that’s for sure. It’s one of the reasons I’d hoped not to be in Waukesha, WI after release so as not cross paths with them. It would be hard on me and awkward for everybody. I don’t think I’m going to get a choice though as no plan is coming together so far. After canteen was handed out, I sat down with an Angus Meat Stick and actually ate real meat, not the soy WPS hands out as a substitute! I changed the direction I sleep to see if that calms my irrational cellmate, Andre Charles, and it must have worked as he’s calm so far today. We were all assembled in the dayroom studying our ERP materials when another ERP coordinator stood up and announced that you no longer could just get up and go to the bathroom when you like, and there were designated times to do so. Also, unless our ERP facilitator assigned us to the dayroom while working on program materials, we were to stay in our designated area, which is the exercise room. We moved and our new work area was a ping pong table. Ms. Grey, our ERP Coordinator, showed up around 10 am and got us in a group and told us she’d fix this. Since I missed yesterday they had me read the assignments we were given to have due this week. It was my reaction to getting ERP, drug and alcohol use and my OWI arrest history. It was in the OWI arrest history that the mental illness part came out as well as the suicide attempt and the other inmates reacted surprised yet supportive. That surprised me. Then we sped through the Orientation workbook up to “Keys for Change” with us as a group filling in the answers for the “Positive attitudes for successful treatment’ section – Honesty, Responsibility, Willingness, Open Mindedness, Humility, Caring, Objectivity and Gratitude, defining each with one word answers (or as close as we could) and some questions on each. Again if you want details, email me. Then we got an assignment for while Ms. Grey was on vacation – to finish the workbook, come up with a mission statement using our one word attitude definitions, and a ripple effect of drug and alcohol use design. Pretty straightforward. This is my first impatient treatment so its interesting and informative. I’ve done a lot of this work in the past year but it has names for everything I was describing, but doesn’t address some of the things. I got back to my cell and Andre wants to be friends again. Oh what the heck…. its almost Christmas.
Who Let the Dogs Out
Posted: December 20, 2010 in UncategorizedTags: About, aisle, animals, Another, apocalypse, area, areas, assumption, black, Both, breakfast, Brodie, bunk, computer, contraband, Correctional, Department, desperation, difference, Dodge, Dogs, dreams, eggs, fact, FMCI, food, German, hurricane, Institution, Labs, Lake, library, life, Minimum, nature, operations, Prison, purpose, series, Sheriff, shirt, System, theme, tickets, topics, trainees, Unit, units, wastebasket, week, Wisconsin
I’m at the Fox Lake Minimum Correctional Institution (FMCI), a facility in the Wisconsin Prison System (WPS). I got up at 4am after a night filled with a series of odd dreams but the theme seemed to be the fear that even if I do everything I can to get my life back things out of my control will stop me. I remember feeling desperation as I confronted each problem and had no power. Breakfast was 2 hard boiled eggs and cocoa puffs. I went back to bed. I always sleep better the second time around. I awoke this time to Lt. Brodie yelling at us yelling at us to remain in our bunks as we had in the shakedown the previous week. He also told us it was a training exercise, but it wouldn’t take nearly as long as it did last week. Everyone got up and started to repeat the routine from the previous week of throwing out food and other contraband in the little wastebasket at their bunk area, all the while bitterly complaining about how quickly this next shakedown occurred. This time, however, our unit was first, and our aisle was first to be strip searched. This time there were no red shirt trainees and the guards were clearly as annoyed as we were. The walk to the multipurpose building (MPB) was much colder this time. Another difference became evident pretty quick. Both unit 9 and 10 were in the MPB at the same time which made it quite noisy and crowded. We watched through windows and the nature of this search became evident. At least 2 German Shepherds and Black Labs were on the grounds provided by whom I believe to be the Dodge County Sheriff’s Department. They are the first domestic animals I’ve seen in over 18 months. I do miss my pets. It was also pretty clear this search was going faster than last time. I was as content as I could be. I managed to get a computer to access the law library provided in the MPB so I researched various topics with no real purpose in mind. About an hour and a half after the search began, 4 names were called out to come to the front. They immediately assumed the position, got patted down and were handcuffed. The assumption was illegal drugs were found by the dogs. I don’t know that for a fact but its very possible. Shortly thereafter we were told we could go back to our units. Lt. Brodie was in front of Unit 9 telling us we had to stay in the building. It seems the dogs weren’t done inspecting the grounds yet. Unlike our last shakedown, very little had been disturbed in our bunk areas. If last time was a hurricane, this time was just a shower. Lt. Brodie came in our aisle, I swear he smiled at me and thanked us for our time and apologized for the inconvenience. Let me say that again. He thanked us for our time and apologized for the inconvenience! The apocalypse is near I swear! Unlike last time, normal operations resumed quite quickly. Canteen won’t even be delayed. But as 4pm arrived, a massive number of tickets were handed down for the shakedown from last week. And just like that, there was something new to think about.
An Institution Wide Shakedown
Posted: December 13, 2010 in UncategorizedTags: aisle, Also, Another, area, basket, bathroom, breakfast, Brodie, bunk, bunks, cafeteria, Captain, cellie, chapel, Charlie, complaints, confinement, contraband, Correctional, couldn, definition, didn, documents, FMCI, food, guys, hell, hours, hurricane, inmate, inmates, Institution, items, junkie, Just, Kramer, Lake, lamp, Laundry, Lunch, Mattresses, Minimum, Multi, noise, noon, office, Once, orientation, paper, papers, Percy, plates, possession, preparation, Prison, problems, procedure, purpose, relief, restroom, road, roof, Shakedown, shirt, soap, Some, System, trainees, Unit, weapons, Wide, Wisconsin, yard
I’m at the Fox Lake Minimum Correctional Institution (FMCI), a facility in the Wisconsin Prison System (WPS). As I’d noted earlier, I’m in the middle of a 5 day bunk confinement. In preparation, another inmate needed laundry soap so I gave him what I had left in exchange for doing my laundry since I couldn’t get off my bunk to monitor it. Bunk confinement stinks but its not that bad. It’s harder on my bunkmate(Cellie) than me as he is used to me being gone at least some of the time. It was Monday and I woke up about 5 am. I gave my laundry bag to this inmate, then ate breakfast and returned to my bunk. A couple of hours later Lt. Brodie announced we must all remain on our bunks until further notice as we were having an “area shakedown”. If we wanted to use the restroom we would need to be strip searched. Meanwhile, people started pulling out food from the cafeteria they’d stored and started moving it down and what they couldn’t finish they handed out to others and what they couldn’t get rid of there they tossed in the little waste basket by their bunks. Unauthorized property wasn’t as simple of a problem. I had two problems here. Another inmate has both my state clothing and the clothing I bought from the catalogs to do the laundry and because we can’t leave our bunks I can’t get it back. That means that clothing could get tossed in the shakedown as it won’t be on his property list. Also, as you might recall, I had a lamp on my bunk I didn’t buy. I watched others trying to get rid of property. Some threw it on bunks of guys who were at work, others tossed items in the aisle hoping the guards wouldn’t see it. Of course, being the anxiety junkie I am, was all freaked about the lamp for awhile. But the guys most worried were those in possession of alcohol and/or tobacco, one of which was Charlie. He kept going up and down the aisle trying to find a way to unload it. Guards came by twice over the next 4 hours to let us use the restroom and get water. Each time they took us two at a time into the shower area doing the whole strip search procedure they’ve done since Day One. It seems while we were waiting another unit was having their turn at getting shook down. Lunch time came and they gave us paper plates with hamburgers and returned us to our bunks. Finally a little after noon we were told to line up for the bathroom but this time we were each sent to an individual stall. But not a normal strip search by a blue shirt this time. They wore red shirts. They were guard trainees that had been bussed in just for this occasion. Once we’d been searched and gotten dressed, we walked up to the Multi-purpose Building, the same place as Chapel and orientation. All the way there, there were at least 20 guards lined up along the road, half on each side, there to verify we didn’t drop or pass anything. Out in the yard were guards with metal detectors, presumably looking for weapons. There were guards checking the roof looking for discarded contraband. This kind of a shakedown happens once a year I’m told. I sat in that building till about 4 pm. No books, no electronics and hundreds of people from which there was no where I could go to get away making ear splitting levels of noise. Just the very definition of hell itself for the anxiety junkie, at least this one. Finally, Captain Kramer called for 3 inmates to come to the office – Charlie was one of them. We then were all sent back. It looked like a hurricane had hit our unit. Mattresses were everywhere, papers, documents, and photographs on the floor. We spent hours that night straightening up. Somehow my clothes and lamp weren’t taken. There were inmates with items that had been broken or shouldn’t have been taken. They were told to fill out complaints. Guess how that will turn out? But Charlie never returned. Percy packed his stuff in boxes. I had watched him go in the office. I think he knew what was coming. I felt bad for him on a certain level. But tonight, I felt a collective sigh of relief from the whole unit, myself included.
It’s All About Follow Through
Posted: November 30, 2010 in UncategorizedTags: About, Afterwards, aren, Attorney, black, chords, computer, contacts, Correctional, crime, custody, Dane, dedication, Despite, didn, disservice, dominoes, feet, FMCI, gotten, Greer, Hospital, inmate, inmates, Institution, Just, keyboard, Kleefisch, Lake, library, lyrics, meal, memo, Meriter, Minimum, music, notes, October, office, places, Power, Prison, psychiatrist, purpose, Rebecca, session, singer, specifics, statute, Sure, System, tension, Thank, Through, treatment, Unit, Waukesha, Wisconsin, word, worker
I’m at the Fox Lake Minimum Correctional Institution (FMCI), a facility in the Wisconsin Prison System (WPS). At about 7:10 am, I got paged to come to Ms. Greer’s office. Ms. Greer is the social worker on our unit and it appeared we had had a disconnect on the issue with Waukesha County. Turns out she had let me know she simply didn’t remember what it was we had been discussing. She took the copies of the bills my Power of Attorney had sent, made a copy of my criminal case record that proved I was in custody at the time and told me she would look into this. I was floored again. Calling me in prior to office hours and agreeing to help? I don’t think she got the memo that DOC staff aren’t supposed to care. Of course I’m kidding. But it’ll be interesting to see what happens next. I was glad I followed through. At about 10 that morning, I was taken for a previously scheduled session with the psychiatrist I liked. It was pretty informative. I felt comfortable enough to tell him about this bog and how much work I’ve been able to do through it. He seemed quite interested. I asked him how he was able to avert his eyes to the feet that most don’t get the treatment they need while in prison. His answer was telling. He said he does the best he could with what he’s given and he would be doing a bigger disservice to inmates by not being the best advocate he could be. Really, you’ve got to love the honesty and dedication. He shared he’s gotten burned before but it can’t keep you from following through with what is best for the inmate patient. Just outstanding. After I got back, it’s getting pretty evident nerves are getting a little frayed around here. A lot of us don’t have coats yet and its gotten cold out. They were suppose to have gotten out the middle of October but it didn’t happen for some reason. What’s worse is they’ve come out a few coats at a time, allowing the inmate in control of the laundry who hands them out to play favorites which angers many. What this all means is we aren’t getting outside. Losing my time on the track has been hard on me. Thank God I have my electronics. But the focus for others is playing cards, dominoes and chess. They’ll tie a blanket around the metal table we eat at and play their games. No, I don’t join in. But a group of black inmates were playing dominoes at meal time but didn’t wrap up when meal time started. We all have places and groups we sit by in the dayroom. A group of white inmates who usually sit at the table, just stood there with their trays not saying a word. They refused to move. A couple of the inmates from each side ended up going nose to nose talking crap to each other. The guards didn’t notice. But finally the white inmates sat, elsewhere, grumbling all the way and the black inmates laughing at them in a disrespectful tone. I’m glad I wasn’t involved. But truthfully I’d never be married to an inanimate object (thank you Rebecca Kleefisch!) or think I have to sit with the same group. I know I need to socialize more. Afterwards I went to the multi-purpose building to practice on the keyboard for Sunday. The singer had lyrics to gospel music I’d never heard but not chords or notes. We struggled for an hour, all the while I regretted ever getting involved in this. Afterwards, I decided to use the law library computer to see if it would address what Waukesha County was trying to do. Sure enough in Wisconsin statute 302.38, it appears the County is responsible for medical costs if I’m in custody for a crime and can’t pay which was the case and it seems to be confirmed by the court case Meriter hospital vs. Dane County. They would have to release me to not be responsible. When I got back I advised my POA on the phone and wrote on information request to Ms Greer letting her know these specifics in case it might help. Despite the tension in my unit I felt good. I’d accomplished something for a change, I actually had done well, and that’s not a feeling I’m too familiar with much anymore. Add that to positive contacts with staff for a change and it really was a good day.
We Have Met the Enemy and it is Us
Posted: November 18, 2010 in UncategorizedTags: advantage, Appeal, areas, arrangements, attendance, attention, attitude, band, Brodie, Captain, chaplain, Charlie, choir, church, complaints, Correctional, demise, didn, drama, enemy, environment, FMCI, guitar, hour, incident, infiltration, inmates, Institution, keyboard, Kramer, Lake, leader, Many, member, members, Minimum, Most, music, noise, player, players, Prison, problems, Protestant, purpose, Satan, Service, singers, song, System, Unit, vocals, wasn, week, Wisconsin, woman
I’m at the Fox Lake Minimum Correctional Institution (FMCI), a facility in the Wisconsin Prison System (WPS). I was asked on Sunday to play keyboard for the choir for the Protestant church service. After the incident with Charlie, I was glad to turn my attention elsewhere. I had heard previously there had been quite a bit of drama associated with this particular group but I figured really, how bad could it be? The guy leaving the group had only been in charge a week and told me to meet the other singers by the basketball court for practice. Service was 3 hours away but no one knew the song arrangements. Most of the time was spent on a litany of complaints and backstabbing those not there. Many made a point of telling me their issues, perhaps because I was new and they wanted me to sway to their way of thinking. The refrain was basically that we were under attack from the enemy (Satan), thus the problems we were having. I was told because of guard complaints about the noise, they had taken away the drums and electric guitars. They claimed the institution didn’t allow sufficient practice time. Finally as further evidence of the “enemy’s” infiltration, solos had been stepped on and choir members were angered. I just rolled my eyes. My focus was solely to get the music down so I didn’t embarrass myself. The leader tried to get these complicated arrangements put in place with the other vocals. There just isn’t time. Finally, we practiced for a half hour at the multi-purpose building and then did the service. Simply put, it was awful. Most of the time when you stink as a band in a church environment, people tell you it was good anyway. Not this time. Many in attendance let me know how awful it sounded. My attitude was basically I get to play in a church band again so I want to take advantage. The following day I was told by the leader that Captain Kramer and Lt. Brodie wanted to see the choir. Kramer, an attractive middle-aged woman, is Brodie’s boss. I know if she was there, this wasn’t good. After we all got there, Kramer got right to the point. Apparently, inmates in the choir from Unit 10 had been in Unit 9 areas to practice vocals which is a major offense. Then she told us that due to this and the repeated problems incurred with this choir, that have caused her and Brodie to have to spend time on these issues every week, the choir was to be disbanded. The only exceptions were the leader, guitar and keyboard player, being sure to point out to the leader that the chaplain had specifically asked for him. In some ways, if intentional, it was a clever move on their part. Appeal to the leader’s ego, cause division within the group and confuse who they should be mad at. The problem with this is in this environment by Kramer singling out who was wanted, those people will feel pressure to not cooperate or be viewed as friendly to staff which you really don’t want here. So now the band leader was talking like none of use would stay, that they wouldn’t tell us how to run the choir. While he was off talking to each now former choir member, others started filling me in. While it was true they weren’t given adequate practice time (a half hour isn’t adequate to get all this ready), the guitar players and drummers had been repeatedly about the volume level and volunteers and staff complained. Choir members themselves had been going to the chaplain and Brodie complaining about each other. At the end of the day, it was just easier to shut it all down. It wasn’t Satan that was responsible for the group’s demise, it was largely the choir’s own fault. What’s going to happen now I don’t know. But sometimes I rather like being the quiet one!
Sweetest Day and those that Scam
Posted: November 6, 2010 in UncategorizedTags: advice, affections, arguments, artist, artists, associates, blog, boundaries, calendar, Correctional, fact, FMCI, friends, guys, Hallmark, incarceration, inmate, inmates, inspiration, Institution, Lake, Many, Mine, Minimum, money, Often, person, pictures, Prison, purpose, relationship, relationships, rules, Scam, Some, streets, Sweetest, System, victim, Wisconsin, woman, women
I’m at the Fox Lake Minimum Correctional Institution (FMCI), a facility in the Wisconsin Prison System (WPS). We just had “Sweetest Day” pass by on the calendar, one of those holidays Hallmark has chosen to bless us with. Guys here have varied ways to express their love for the one or those on the outside they state they love. The vast majority I think are quite serious. There is a minority that are “running game”, that is they are writing and/or calling several women at one time saying they love only them to each person, for the purpose of conning the victim out of money, purchases out of catalogs or to reach out to their associates on the streets. Apparently there are web sites women go on to find these guys. If you’re wondering, no I have not gotten any such contact. I have had people contact me through this blog who have offered money, but I have never accepted. I usually ask people to promote the blog who want to help. Many have become good friends. Its not the same as what these guys do. Some have shown me these letters they get. In a way, its a full blown virtual relationship complete with affections, arguments, advice and sex. Many women express the idea they are being conned to the inmate and the inmate expresses fear that the woman is “being unfaithful” in some way. Even here, the con artist tries to control the female mark. I know this won’t be popular for me to say, but I can understand the inmate who does this. Often they have no one, no real relationships, so this is all they are going to get. The con artist knows no other way to act in a relationship. It seemed many of the women know what they are getting into. Would these women know how to act in a real relationship, where they are not abused? I also know for a fact many of these women aren’t aware they are being played. They got sucked in by guys who are pros at this. I hope people write inmates but going in they need boundaries they will stick to and not deviate from them. The sure mark of a con artist are those who constantly try to find ways to violate your boundaries despite having been asked to respect them. Obviously, if you do this, please be careful.
But on another note, guys here who have real relationships with women on the outside will often call on the talented artists to draw pictures of themselves or other artwork to send their loved one, using canteen to pay the artist. It’s against the rules but its easy to look the other way. Relationships that survive incarceration are of the strongest and rarest kind. Mine did not. For many of us, incarceration exposed the sham of a relationship that existed and it could not survive. But for those of you that are making it, I take it as a source of inspiration and hope that I too may find that again someday.
Life in Wisconsin Prisons and Beyond 