The Real Housewives of MSDF

I’m at the Milwaukee Secure Detention Facility (MSDF), an institution in the Wisconsin Prison System (WPS), participating in the Earned Release Program (ERP).  It’s the first Wednesday of the month which means it’s a training day.  What this means for us is it’s a cleaning day on the pod and there are no ERP group sessions.  We’d been told by our ERP Social Worker Ms. Grey that this would be a different kind of cleaning day in that it would be a more extensive cleaning than we’d been accustomed but that didn’t appear to be the case.  I never enjoy days like this but mostly because of my own personality I dislike chaos and disorganization, and while the process to get the cleanup done fits that description, the work does get done.  It was a little different for me this time being a swamper.  At the end of the cleanup, fellow swamper David Sussex and I had to move all the tables and chairs out of the dayroom, turning the tables on the side to clean out hidden treasures from underneath in the rail of the table such as butter and ketchup packets, stored there by inmates so they can have extras at a meal of their choice.  To be honest, its an unpleasant task as often the packets have been crushed and are messy.  After this was done, we mop the entire floor and sweep.  We still get in each others way but it’s a work in progress that will get solved as we get familiar with the job and each other.  Once we were done we had to move the tables back to where they were.  The former swamper that is working with cellie Brian Whalen to go back into the business of dealing drugs decided to direct Sussex and I where to put the tables.  That was fine until he decided he was going to have fun with it.  I have little tolerance for the former swamper to begin with much less any desire to fool around while working.  I’m kind of the type to get focused on a task.  So, I walked away when Sussex continued to play with him.  Someone came over and helped Sussex.  He’d tell me later he was just wanting to goof around.  I suppose I get it.  They’re both about 10 years younger than me and the way they work is different than mine.  And lets face it, it’s not like the fate of the free world rests on my performance so I could lighten up.  Once done, we returned to our cells for the day supposedly to work on ERP program materials.  That was no problem for cellie Larry Sands and I as we had a ton of stuff to do.  By Friday we had to have our Phase III Goals and Objectives done, the Living With Others Workbook done – all 61 pages and we’re supposed to be working on our legacy project for the graduation.  I managed to finish the workbook but not doing a very thorough job in the process.  I wrote up my Phase III goals as improving social skills and working on patience.  Because the goals are to be presented by Friday May 13th, I chose the Bible as my basis for study on patience, as there’s no time to find and read a book of any value on the subject and to write an essay on it.  For improving social skills, I’m writing an essay on the positives and negative things I’ve learned about myself working as the swamper.  Just a lot of time constraints.  At lunch and supper, Sussex continues to have real problems counting trays.  But more importantly, we had another guard who rarely works on our unit.  He let me know right away there would be no extra food given to swampers when he works.  I was fine with that as I rarely eat the extra stuff anyway.  But it told me this wasn’t going to go well.  At 6 pm after supper he wouldn’t let us come out of our rooms as every other floor is locked down on training day.  But he didn’t know the program floors like ours were exempted.  So 7 to 8 inmates were down at his desk arguing the point with him.  Finally a white shirt (supervisor) let him now.  But by the time cleanup began, barely anyone was in the dayroom which was funny considering all the fuss that was made.  It came time to take out the trash.  I asked the guard to open the door but he ignored me for 10 minutes, while chatting with another guard.  I just left it and went to go get ready for 9:15 am count.  Yes, I still need to work on patience?  After count, I read emails you all send to the sponsors for me.  One reader, who has corresponded in the past, compared reading this blog to an episode of Real Housewives.  I get that!  But more importantly, it gave me a real good laugh prior to going to sleep.  So thank you!

I Apologize and I Unload

I’m at the Milwaukee Secure Detention Facility (MSDF), an institution in the Wisconsin Prison System (WPS), participating in the Earned Release Program (ERP).  Today we are scheduled to take our Phase II test.  We were all hoping it would be easier than the Phase I test which had been very difficult.  But our ERP group leader Ms. Grey had already advised us not to get too worked up over the test.  I certainly didn’t.  It was again another essay test but the 5 questions were much easier including one asking how our perception of OWI crimes has changed since the beginning of the program.  At the end of the morning session, Ms. Grey asked me to stay behind as she wanted to speak to me.  It seems she had taken the time to sit down and read this blog after it had been discovered and was clearly unhappy.  The only thing she expressed dissatisfaction with was the fact I refer to her as the “ERP Group Coordinator” or as the “ERP Group Leader” in this blog.  She wanted it to point out she has 2 Social Work degrees and has the title of “Social Worker” here.  So that is put here in case any of you were under an incorrect presumption about her.  I had felt that none of this had been relevant to her character in how she interacts with us nor had I even known about her educational background until today which is why I hadn’t mentioned it.  Apologies to Ms. Grey if I have offended her.  While I’m at it, I apologize to anyone written about here, or who think a given character represents them, that are offended.  These are my impressions of what has gone on around me and the facts the way I see them.  Does it mean I dislike you, don’t think highly of the work you might do in many respects or am trying to get you?  No, of course not.  I strive to be objective but I’m also human.  Most of the time I try to let the reader draw their own conclusions but I also am allowed to use this space to vent my frustrations with prison life.  Again I stress, I am human and that can happen.  We’ve had almost 200 entries by now and if you write that much you’re going to write something people won’t like.  It would have never been an issue had not some very unprofessional people at MSDF spread the word about investigation of this blog to other staff and inmates alike.  We went 16 months undetected.  Keep in mind as well I didn’t write this with the idea that people would pierce the anonymity shell around me, that everything that happened in my past (read the first several entries in the blog) would have become common knowledge to all staff here and certainly not to be joked about by such staff.  Yes I know about that too but I’m not going to mention your name yet because at the end of the day writing this blog has done far more for me in my life than your petty, stupid, and ignorant remarks could ever do to hurt me and throwing mud would mean I lie in the same puddle of pig vomit you reside in with your life.  If you don’t understand what I’ve done here with this blog, the idea you work in corrections for the purpose of rehabilitation of inmates is frightening. 

There, thank you for allowing me to apologize and unload.  At the afternoon session, Ms. Grey gave us our Phase III badges and assigned us to read therapy projects two and three (p. 205-210) of Driving with Care:  Alcohol, Other Drugs, and Impaired Driving Offender Treatment by Wanberg, Milkman, and Timken.   These revolve around if your current work matches your job and learning to search for a job.  Apparently, other ERP programs have resources like cameras to practice interviewing, and allow inmates to go into the communities on Phase III, but not here.  So, Phase III should be interesting alone for those reasons in and of itself. 

The Second ERP Graduation

I’m at the Milwaukee Secure Detention Facility (MSDF), an institution in the Wisconsin Prison System (WPS), participating in the Earned Release Program (ERP).  On Thursday afternoon we had our weekly Community Meeting.  Nothing was really remarkable about it until the floor was opened to concerns anyone might have and a new guy stood up and announced he was tired of how cliquey people were, the disrespect shown and how many inmates who have been here for awhile act like they have ownership of things here.  He went on to say from now on he was going to start pointing out people who were doing such things at future community meetings.  Throughout the room was stunned silence.  My ERP group leader Ms. Grey nodded her agreement, the other group leaders looked just as stunned as we were.  I’d find out later he was upset with his cellmates for farting in the cell instead of going outside to do that and for inmates trying to run the rec room.  He finished up his comments about how dedicated he was to this program, and he didn’t want that to have such things going on.  After an uncomfortable silence we moved on.  I did decide that night that with all the negativity going on I was going to pull into my shell even more that I have been.   I just feel like nothing is good is going to come out of hanging around people these days.  Maybe its because I’m 72 days to graduation and I fear all this work and time being for nothing because of some stupid incident.  The next morning began with Scott Bunker being sent to the hospital for his bleeding problem as it hasn’t gotten any better.  Graduation for another ERP group began at 9:30 am.  This was an OWI ERP group like us.  This group called themselves the “Unchained” group.  It was a nice ceremony, followed by cookies being given out.  I’m happy for them but my thoughts are on myself.  I have so little time left.  I’m happy but I’m afraid.  Where I’ll go, what I’ll do, how it will happen, these questions overwhelm the anxiety junkie in me.  I’ve learned to have faith during times like this, to surrender the illusion of control I cling to but I still have my moments of weakness.  After lunch we saw a video about the evils of inhalants (sorry, I didn’t catch the title)and on prescription drugs which was quite good, especially as it focused on elderly addiction.  At the end I brought up that I’d learned  that the TOP program in Waukesha County was applied to aftercare.  No housing was involved like she had said.  She insisted it was true though, and they’d explain it to me when they visited in mid-April.  I asked if I’d hear from them before my next parole officer (PO) call and she said no, that call was coming up next week!  It was like she had remembered herself that this was happening at that moment.  Anyway, around that time Scott Bunker joined us after his hospital visit so it would seem he must be ok.  The guards were unhappy today as they’ve installed electronic stations around the unit they have to check in with a gadget.  It ensures they’ve actually made their rounds.  But it’s okay.  Week 16 of 26 is complete.

A Guard Makes a Bad Choice

I’m at the Milwaukee Secure Detention Facility (MSDF), an institution in the Wisconsin Prison System (WPS), participating in the Earned Release Program (ERP).  It was an uneventful weekend until Sunday.  I revised my goals and objectives for Phase II and am hoping they’re right this time, as well as completing the worksheet review for the movie 28 Days.  But what really got our attention was the blonde female guard who rarely works on this unit.  She had for some reason looked up the account balance of the swamper who we know is setting up my cellie Brian Whalen to be robbed when he gets out by pretending to be his friend now.  It seems this swamper has a large amount of money on his books.  This guard commended she could use ‘a loan’ and asked for his contact information which he willingly provided.  If I heard this story I wouldn’t have believed it either except I happened to be in the dayroom area when it went down. This swamper is assuming either she wants drugs, sex or both from him as he bragged on this conquest to others.  Either this guard isn’t very bright or this swamper is getting set up.  For her sake, I hope it’s the latter, because he’s not a nice guy.  Never mind the fact she’s been completely compromised in her role as a guard.  Speaking of Whalen he has lost over 50 pounds since coming to MSDF.  He’s always making proclamations how he’s going to stop eating this or that or making bets he’s going to lose a certain number of pounds. He’s betting cellie Larry Sands he’ll lose 20 lbs in the approximately 40 days he has left until graduation.  It isn’t realistic but it’s motivating to him to have this kind of thing out there.  He’s gone from 330 lbs to 280 lbs so he really has done well.  We (Sands and I) continue to discourage his involvement with this swamper in a very careful way but to no avail.  He is a people pleaser and desperately wants to be liked, as we’ve learned.  It’s kind of sad to watch.  Come Monday we were all assembled in the dayroom when we were informed our ERP group coordinator Ms. Grey wouldn’t be coming in and we were to keep working on our goals for Phase II.  Since none of us had them approved yet we had a lot of time on our hands.  While sitting in the room Whalen confided something to me that kind of made my blood run cold.  It seems the now departed former cellie Andre Charles had managed to get his sister’s address and sent her a letter saying how much he wanted to meet her.  Whalen was furious, understandably so.  I could just imagine how I’d feel if he had gotten addresses of my former stepdaughters or friends.  Fortunately all mail between the sponsors including the things you folks send me to read is done through a PO Box.  But it gave me the chills.  He threatened to go to Andre’s parole officer (PO).  I urged him to do so.  Later on,  a guard came down and shook down the cell next door where he collected a whole ton of food the swampers had swiped from the meal trays and medication from the swamper who’d been forced to move to another cell in one of their lockers.  Nothing came of it that I knew of but regular first shift guard Roscoe Peters had us all come out as if it was count and warned us to get rid of any extra food and if he finds any he’d get us kicked out of the program.  The swampers guilty of it all took a bag to collect any donations.  Not a thing was given up.  I’m sure no one was taking the threat seriously.  Anyway, we went back about our business. I just keep to myself, follow the rules and try not to let it get to me, you know?

The Guards are Really Unhappy

I’m at the Milwaukee Secure Detention Facility (MSDF), an institution in the Wisconsin Prison System (WPS), participating in the Earned Release Program (ERP).  On Friday I woke up, really just like any other day.  I had to read my autobiography to my ERP group today and though I wasn’t happy about doing so I had resigned myself to having to do it.  But it wasn’t my turn until that afternoon.  First, it was ERP group member Mark Hogan’s turn to read his story in the morning.  We anticipated a lot of humor in his story in keeping with his class clown personality but though there was some there wasn’t as much as we thought there would be.  He brought visual aids along, showing the general store his father had established in the early part of the twentieth century.  Early in life his father and him argued and he fired and disinherited him.  They’d never reconcile.  He would talk about the beatings his father had given him under question in front of the group by ERP group coordinator, Ms. Grey, but didn’t detail in his reading.  It focused on the hard drinking and bad choices this man of almost 70 years of age had made and how he had helped himself overcome Vietnam with yoga and drugs.  Afterwards the news came that Gov. Walker had announced that Unions for State employees could only negotiate on salary issues, not on such things as health or pension benefits which guards over the next 2 days would be heard talking with each other about how much extra it was going to cost them for such things.  The conversations I heard were obviously of the angry type.  That afternoon intern, Nikita joined us.  Ms. Grey started by having us all change seats which kind of annoyed us.  Then it was my turn.  I read it exactly as written.  I could tell by the reactions of those in the room it was as hard for them to hear as it was for me to read.  Of course there was a lot more in there than you have read in this blog, but you can ask if you want.  I ended it about all the writing I had done since going to prison (not of course that it has been in this blog) and how it’s helped me along the way.  Afterwards there was questions from the group.  They clearly look at me differently now, that’s for sure.  Ms. Grey didn’t have that many questions.  And then it was over.  Pretty painless, huh?  Well I can talk smart now that it’s done, can’t I?   Afterwards, group member Scott Dietz invited me to his family’s events if I wanted.  Others came up and expressed to me similar stories they hadn’t included in their autobiographies and asked me what I thought of one thing or another.  Just very different.  I’m not sure what to think or if I like this or not.  Time will tell.  The next day, Saturday, we got locked in while 2 guys in a different ERP program who were 5 days from graduation were taken to the hole for fighting.  That’s got to be the worst nightmare come true for those guys.  Week 10 is complete and there’s 16 weeks to go.  I’m praying that I don’t end up with a similar fate. 

The Inner Child Blues

I’m at the Milwaukee Secure Detention Facility (MSDF), an institution in the Wisconsin Prison System (WPS), participating in the Earned Release Program (ERP).  Cellie Andre Charles must have woke up on the wrong side of the bed.  But his demands of cellie Malik Pearl who is on the upper bunk above him, are just crazy.  He wants him to put a chair by the bunk so when he hops down he won’t wake him.  This is prison, not a for your comfort hotel.  Besides those of us on top bunk deal with that whole inconvenience! 🙂  But Malik said he wasn’t going to do it anymore because it isn’t all about him.  Andre thought I put that in his head.  He was right!  But one thing led to another and Andre threatened him.  Malik was clearly ready to go.  Andre back down.  Malik went to guard Roscoe Peters and told him who referred him to his ERP coordinator.  Even cellie Brian Whalen was on board this time.  Because it was guard training day there were no ERP program activities this morning.  Instead we cleaned the unit.  The afternoon session was interesting.  First, we got a new book.  It’s title “Driving With Care: Alcohol, Other Drugs, and Impaired Driving Offender Treatment” by Kenneth W. Wanberg, Harvey B. Milkman and David S. Tinken.  What’s with the long titles anyway?  But we didn’t open it.  Instead we delved into the third House of Healing video (Ms. Grey skipped the second) by Robin Casarjian concerning not letting people hit your emotional triggers.  Then we went into the follow up on the inner child healing assignments from yesterday.  Larry Sands talked about how his failures to deal with his father’s suicide affected him.  Jeff Dietz talked about how his father beat him in front of family after he’d been drinking which was often.  Augie Prescott expressed disdain for the whole idea of inner child damage.  I wondered aloud if my inner child was dead.  Mark Hogan made fun of those who suffer from Post Traumatic Delayed Stress Disorder (PTSD). I must have been clearly drifting in all this as Ms. Grey called on me in front of everyone and asked me what was on my mind.  After a couple of minutes of dodging, I told the group I had PTSD and I’m trying to fit together the concept of inner child damage and PTSD.  I wasn’t very eloquent in how I said it.  Most of these guys knew all the right words and I feel very far behind and they are so much further in their autobiography than I (I’m up to age 8 and meeting my adoptive parents – 12 pages) than I.  But in the last 12 months on this blog I’ve written about acceptance of my past and how I used drinking to mask it.  So I’m wondering if I was doing the same thing just not aware of it.  Tonight’s assignment is to write a letter to the inner child.  This is quite difficult.  But I’ll do my best.  After I got back to my cell, Malik told me his ERP  Coordinator would be meeting with all of us about Andre tomorrow.  So it continues…….

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Do They Know It’s Christmas Time at All?

I’m at the Milwaukee Secure Detention Facility (MSDF), an institution in the Wisconsin Prison System (WPS), participating in the Earned Release Program (ERP).  The only clue there was anything different on Christmas Eve than any other day was that this was a Friday and it was being treated as a weekend day, which meant there was no ERP program activities and the lights stayed off until 11 am.  Everyone is okay with that but in the back of my mind I’m thinking about the fact we won’t see mail until Tuesday.  I very much look forward to hearing from the blog sponsors with messages from them that include your emails and comments you post along with their well wishes and information on my personal affairs.  As I’ve said, I’m very grateful for you and them, and I hope you find what we do here helpful.  If so, please let others know about this blog.  Anyway, this is my 2nd and hopefully last Christmas incarcerated.  Last year at this time, I was in Waukesha County Jail (WCJ), having completed my second chemotherapy session and in a cell by myself that I could never leave without a mask due to my low white count.  Two weeks later you all joined me on this journey through the WPS, and my divorce was finalized on the same day.  To borrow the cliché, what a long, strange trip it has been!  A lot was uncertain about the future then, just like now, except last year was about the transition to prison life and this year will hopefully be about the transition back to the community.  But we’ve got a long road to go until then.  There was little talk of Christmas around this unit except on the telephones which seemed like they were always occupied.  My cellie, Malik Pearl and I both opened the cookies we got the week before and shared them with the other cellies, Brian Whalen and Andre Charles.  I learned something new about all my cellies.  The reason Andre is always trying to scam Whalen is he has nobody out there to send him money.  MSDF is different.  If you had nothing in other prisons I’ve seen, it was just too bad.  People would eat in front of you and not care.  If you had nothing, which happened to me several times, no resentments were held.  Here people get mad about that.  Whalen had 3 visits, one being his son and another being the therapist who sent him the letter.  But he doesn’t want to be pressured and he feels she’s pushing him.  He asked me if I want to be a roommate once I get out since I have nowhere to go at this point.  Of course, no way do I want to do that, but I can’t afford to eliminate any options.  But Malik, he made a call to family and found out the mother of his child had somehow lost all his possessions but the assumption was her family members had paned them for drugs.  If seems Malik has a tendency to use violence to keep “his women” in line and though he is a laid back person, he would not hesitate to hurt, even kill, those who cross him.  The only thing saving her now is that she is the mother of his child, and it was good he was not on the street now, or so he claims.  This girl “put him in prison once” and he won’t let it happen again.  I just can’t believe I so misjudged him.  He’s just as dangerous as Andre, but in a different way.  But everyone in this cell is getting along real well.  If this had been a year ago, I would have handled it differently.  But it’s Christmas and I’m one day closer to never seeing this place ever again.  And that’s a great Christmas present!

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