Some Like It Hot

I’m at the Milwaukee Secure Detention Facility (MSDF), an institution in the Wisconsin Prison System (WPS), participating in the Earned Release Program (ERP).  Monday, June 6th would turn out to be a record breaking day heat wise in the Milwaukee area.  Though we are in an environment where we never see the outside world, we very much feel the effects as the air from the outside world is pumped through the ventilation system.  But the day didn’t begin all that badly.  Our ERP social worker Ms. Grey returned from vacation having gotten to see the Grand Canyon among other places.  She appeared relaxed, content much more than I’d seen her in the past.  The first thing we did was to go through the relapse trigger assignment.  Ms. Grey surprised us with having the presenting inmate do a skit with other group members reflecting the relapse triggers described.  For mine, she had two inmates play my adoptive parents, Charles and Victoria Martin expressing concern about how much isolating and the amount of time I spent on a computer, which I could actually see them doing.  As an IT Infrastructure and .NET Framework programmer, fortunately they know I will be working on the computer a lot, knocking the rust off my skills.  While all this was going on I saw guard Ron Kidd standing at the front door of my cell.  Sure enough he had gone in and was doing a cell inspection.  We had largely been ignored since the big shakedown here but Kidd and cellie Malcolm Johnson have already had several run ins.  He hasn’t gotten the idea yet to stay below the radar which is surprising since he has spent so much time in prison.  Cellie and ERP group member Larry Sands happened to be there and said he saw Kidd go straight to the fan he managed to acquire from a departing inmate (again) and take it which led him to think someone snitched on him, possibly Johnson.  While Johnson has become one who seems to spend a lot of time at the guard desk and time alone with his ERP social worker Ms. Carr, I don’t think Johnsons was the snitch this time.  The bottom line is he took a fan, an extra set of clothes I had and ripped down everything taped to the wall including our antennas for TV.  Reception can be hard here so that was annoying.  But back to group.  I participated in the skit for ERP group member Russ Johnson.  I played his twelve year old daughter, while Sands played his ex-wife, who were making demand if him.  Apparently, I did a good job playing his daughter.  At one point in the skit, mom and dad were fighting and I quipped, “Mom and dad are fighting again.  Oh Well.  More presents for me.”  Everyone laughed at this.  Then we got into the Phase 3 essay test while she reviewed our Plan A and B plan.  It was a simple test.  Afterwards, she made suggestions on how to improve the poster and covered the definition of craving that she hadn’t covered yet but had been on the test.  By now, the heat, a high of 94 degrees outside and high humidity, had descended on us.  In these polyester uniforms it was just miserable.  And Sands, as well as Jose Michaels, have no fans.  I felt bad for them but nothing I could do.  Speaking of Michaels, he really is working hard.  He is thoroughly doing the exercises in the Houses of Healing book by Robin Casarjian.  Just a ton of effort in everything program related.  Malcolm, on the other hand, has made it clear he doesn’t want to do anything.  It’s kind of interesting to watch.  After group, some members called me over.  They want me to create a title for the poster board on the graduation project on the computer.  Of course, I wasn’t happy.  Just poor planning on this all around.  Other groups had their project done months before and here we are 4 days before graduation still planning.  But Russell Johnson volunteered to step up and make it.  I was happy.  Perhaps too, the heat is just making me cranky. Mail call came and along with it, another development with my daughter, Lexi.  She had gone on Facebook and gave me a friend request (Under my real name of course.  If you’d like to befriend Jake on Facebook, go here).  I asked the blog sponsor who watches these things for me to accept her request and let her know I can’t wait to see her and to look around her Facebook page for me and let me know what’s going on with her.  Finally, a window into what is going on!  I settled in for the night with a smile in spite of sweating along with some apprehension. 

You Are Not Alone

I’m at the Milwaukee Secure Detention Facility (MSDF), an institution in the Wisconsin Prison System (WPS), participating in the Earned Release Program (ERP).  Late Friday we got some great news.  The family and home of ERP group member Augie Prescott is safe after the devastating tornadoes down south.  Of course, I’ll have no word from my recently reconnected biological family for some time as my only means of communication is by email through the blog sponsors.  But I’m not thinking about that because it would be counterproductive to my mental health.  Kind of like some of you worrying continually about your loved ones who are locked away will only serve to make you insane.  You’ve got to go on, be able to function, which you can’t do it your always in your own prison of paralysis.  Some of you out there are in so much pain over what has happened to the inmate you love and what is happening to your and your family as a result you’ll turn to the likes of me.  Perhaps you know I’ll understand like no one on the outside will.  Be honest, compassionate, and actually answer your correspondence unlike many men who are locked up who seem reluctant or unable to respond.  For many of us inmates we are consumed by shame, guilt, fear, insecurity, and doubt so much so that we’re unable to even know where or how to begin an honest discourse with those that we love on the outside.  Let me say that again.  Those that we love!  Be assured their hearts are still with you and though your inmate may not communicate well at times, its not because they don’t’ want to.  They just don’t know how.  That becomes evident in the inmates silence or communication that seems trivial, sexual, controlling, or angry.  Please keep in mind when you write me, I’m not trained as a counselor (though I’ve though about it but don’t have the first clue how to achieve that).  I was an Information Technology (IT) guy prior to prison.  I don’t claim any special insight nor am I going  to have a solution to all your problems.  Heck, I’m not aware of the solution to all of my problems yet.  What I do have to share with you has not been something I’ve done on my own but it is part of who I am today and it’s something you’ve seen played out on these blog entries over the last 723 days.  And that is the battle for my soul and mind.  It’s the same exact battle your loved ones in prison fight with varying degrees of effort and success, just like me.  What I tell all of you is your inmate is so blessed you stand by him and have not forgotten him.  Until the last 6 months, I largely had no one except for the blog sponsors and those through this blog I now call friends.  But I feel blessed and am happy that I’ve made a difference for some of you and wish I could do better for many others.  Thank you for reaching out to me and telling me your stories.  When my answers aren’t adequate there is always prayer, which I do for many of you often.  If I could end your pain I would but prison is not a place of magical solutions, but lessons learned through tears, honesty, and perseverance by inmate and their loved ones alike even though our loves ones didn’t deserve this.  Be strong, ask for help and know that you are not alone!

Following Directions

I’m at the Milwaukee Secure Detention Facility (MSDF), an institution in the Wisconsin Prison System (WPS), participating in the Earned Release Program (ERP).  The morning started out slow as our ERP social worker Ms. Grey was off for the morning session for some kind of training.  In the afternoon session, we began the Phase III work related to employment.  First Ms. Grey asked how many of us needed to work on our resumes.  Not a single hand went up.  Typically, inmates often have nothing like a resume coming out of prison. I was in Information Technology for almost 20 years prior to me going to prison so I am pretty well versed in resumes, job searches and how to conduct myself in a workplace.  But many do not so I’m sure it’s a good idea to offer it.  Ms. Grey handed out a packet on employability called “Introduction and Motivational”.  The first exercises were related to following directions.  Basically it told you to make sure you read it all the way through, then gave you steps to follow that made you jump through all sorts of hoops and then get to the final step that told you, that had you read through everything you would know you wouldn’t have to do any of this.  It got me.  I’m so accustomed to just mind numbing work I just plowed through the first 4 of the 16 steps before catching on.  So it made its point.  Then we had to split into 3 groups and make up a list of 10 things important to being employed and then narrow them down to the top 5.  In my group were myself, cellie Larry Sands, John Lloyd, and Russ Johnson.  Our top 5 came out as positive mental attitudes, good communication skills, good listening skills, reliability, and good problem solving skills.  I was suckered (nominated) by the other 3 to present the list to the other groups as they did too.  I surprised myself at how comfortable I was doing so.  Ms. Grey seemed pleased with our effort.  We then watched a video called "From Parole to Employment that offered tips on your job hunt and was motivational.  It was a good video. Afterwards, Sands brought up getting State ID cards which we’ve been told we could get before we got out and Ms. Grey said she’d look into it.  Then the conversation turned to computer access, which the inmates can use to access JobNet and the law library.  Some thought they’d need their own ID, which isn’t true at MSDF.  But if its all the same, I think I’ll avoid computer use here!  Besides, unlike other ERP programs, we have no community access in Phase III so we can’t contact or follow up any leads.  But such is the situation.  I had dug up a copy of my resume I had here along with a news article written about a software program using the .NET framework for a plumbing and electrical distributor.  Russ Johnson got a hold of it and commended he had extensive contacts and would help me with my job search.  I’m not really believing it but hey I’ll take any help I can!  So we’ll see.  So as usual we’ll see what happens.  I spoke with my adoptive parents, Charles and Victoria Martin, and we’re having discussions on cell phones and internet access which I’ll need to get employment when I get out.  It’s good to actually be planning the details for my release. 

What the Bleep Do We Know?

I’m a the Milwaukee Secure Detention Facility (MSDF), an institution in the Wisconsin Prison System (WPS), participating in the Earned Release Program (ERP).  The Cold war has begun between cellie Andre Charles, his ally cellie Brian Whalen, cellie Malik Pearl and myself.  So silence reigns our cell now.  And guess what?  I like it that way!  The next day, normally between 8 and 9 am, we can study our ERP materials in our own cells.  But not the last two days.  With Ms. Grey, the ERP Coordinator, gone all week, the structure of our ERP group has kind of broken down.  Ok, I admit to being a bit of a routine guy, and disruptions can throw me off my game.  But inmate Larry Sands who had been appointed our ERP group leader had assembled us to watch the video Ms. Grey had assigned this morning called “What the Bleep Do We Know”.  It was one of the strangest things I’ve seen for a self help video.  It dealt with the idea that there is an universal observer that appears to be their version of God.  I wrote down a quote which was interesting.  It was “the height of arrogance is the height of control who create God in their own image”.  At another point it was stated the idea that us mere carbon based life forms could somehow influence an almighty being was ludicrous.  Our oldest group member, named Mark Hogan, just couldn’t contain himself throughout.  He is in his seventies and looks like the old drunk that hangs out in a bar at two in the afternoon, but he has a heck of a wit.  So too was it the same with Dean Stark and another group member, Russ Johnson, who is extremely knowledgeable on this treatment stuff.  He tells me he’s been to Hazelden and other famous programs.  I wish I had his knowledge.   He often gets fired up and tries to intimidate others by his physical presence if you do something he doesn’t like and is very confident in his own knowledge and you could say he likes himself.  But like I said I wish I knew all he knows.  After lunch we returned to the video room to watch “Portrait of Addiction” by Bill Moyer.  Unfortunately Sands nor any of us could get the DVD to work without the remote which was missing.  So we had to abandon the effort after an hour.  I really think Sands has done a fine job considering the situation.  I continued to work on my autobiography, ending with an interesting life!  But nobody got much done.  My favorite guard, Ruth Bartkowski, was on duty and really with everyone on vacation she and other guard don’t know what to do.  I did share the first pages of my autobiography with John Lloyd, whom I’ve come to trust a bit, in order to gage his reaction and get his opinion on this being read to the group.  He was clearly shaken but felt it would be okay to share.  But really, I’m an idiot.  If he said don’t do it, I still would have had to.  So why bother asking the question?  Supper was the most awful – Chili Mac casserole.  But its okay.  I’m okay with things so far.

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See the Light Bulb, not the Lamp Shade

I’m at the Milwaukee Secure Detention Facility (MSDF), an institution in the Wisconsin Prison System (WPS), participating in the Earned Release Program (ERP).  I woke up after a very bad night, with my cellie, Andre Charles, in a foul mood and trying to pick a fight with another cellie, Malik Pearl.  The issue this time was Andre thought Malik was angry over all the noise he was making.  He probably was but he hadn’t said a word to Andre.  I rolled out of bed and ate breakfast.  For whatever reason, Andre requires our attention and I’m just not going to give it today.  Ms. Grey, our ERP coordinator, is on vacation but she had left behind assignments for us to do.  We were to read chapter 1- 2 of House of Healing (HOH) and complete the assignment in the morning session of our ERP program and in the afternoon watch the first video on HOH, as well as read the Criminal conduct and Substance Abuse  (CCSAT), and work on our group mission statement.  Reading HOH, I can tell you straight away that the author Robin Casarjian is a genius in how she frames things for the reader.  The first two chapters are entitled “Doing Time” and “Who Are You Anyway?” “Doing Time” feels like a pep talk, that regardless of your circumstances behind bars, making change in yourself is worthwhile work.  “Who Are You Anyway?” is a look at our core, our “self’, surrounded by our sub-personalities and how “over-identifying with any one of them can debilitate us or stunt our growth” (p.13). I can see how someone with my background may have gotten so lost in a sub-personality now.  I highly recommend this book to everyone regardless of the kind of prison you’re in.  I completed the “Who Am I” assignment on page 10 and moved on to the CCSAT workbook.  We were to complete Session 1 but many were way past that.  Session 1was concerned with explaining the program and setting up goals to avoid “criminal thinking” and recidivism.  I feel out of place with this workbook and its tone feels, the word comes to mind is clinical.  But I will give it my best effort.  I mean I don’t have a choice, right?  After lunch in our cell, Andre went on and on to me about when he says he’s through with people it’s nothing personal to me even though Malik and Whalen, my other cellie, agreed he absolutely was.  I wanted to reply that though I hope he finds the help he needs, I couldn’t care less if he was through with me.  In fact, I wish he and I had no involvement at all.  But for once, I bit my tongue.  After lunch, we’d been told to watch the first video of the HOH book series.  It took 20 minutes for us inmates to get the DVD player in the weight room running.  The video we were supposed to watch told the story of how HOH came to happen (remarkable itself – email if you want to know) and further discussion on identifying who we are.  Then we as a group decided to watch the second video so we didn’t have to set it up again.  This was on forgiveness, the ability to see the good in a person past their present issue.  Again, outstanding stuff.  I feel I do a good job of that most of the time. It’s to see the light bulb, not the lampshade.  Our next item, was the mission statement for our ERP group MS. Grey asked us to come up with.  Yours truly did the honors.  It states “we seek to learn how to live a clean and sober life through truth and accountability to each other, surrendering our old way of doing things and being open to new ideas, humbly and empathetically looking at ourselves and each other in a balanced fashion, remembering to be truthful for our new lives.”  Let’s hear it for the run on sentence!  🙂  The “Ripple Effect” of addiction was assigned to our ERP group inmate leader, Larry Sands.  They cancelled our ERP group night session so I listened to Whalen state how fed up he was and Andre keeps goading him.  Man, my headphones can’t get here fast enough!  But the best part of the day, I actually got a Christmas card in the mail tonight!  So, I’m happy.  It’s good to know you’re not forgotten once in awhile, you know?

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Waukesha County Comes After Me

I’m at the Fox Lake Minimum Correctional Institution (FMCI), a facility in the Wisconsin Prison System (WPS).  As you might recall, I was initially diagnosed and treated for cancer while I was at the Waukesha County Jail.  Since I’ve been in prison, Waukesha Community Hospital sent me bills and now Waukesha County Collections is coming after me.  My power of attorney (POA) has been working to resolve this as it’s our understanding that you’re not responsible for medical bills while in custody.  I decided to see if anyone here would have any ideas on what to do.  I have little faith in anyone I’ve met in the WPS so far to show initiative other than the psychiatrist here but some of you readers suggested I do so I gave it a shot.  I sent a request to Ms. Greer, the social worker, advising her of the situation.  She called me into her office and stated she’d never seen a county do this before and wanted to see the paperwork leaving the impression she was going to look into it.  I was floored.  She has a fairly good reputation among the inmates but I hadn’t realistically expected an ally to be created.  She told me to submit an information request to Greer advising her to do so.  The entire next day went with no response.  Greer almost always responds to such requests the same day, I’m told.  I wrote another request that night.  The next day, I had the last step of my root canal.  I saw something there I hadn’ t seen in a at the other places I’ve been.  For narcotics taken by inmates, not only do they watch you take it, but they crush the medication prior to it being given to the inmates, I’m sure to prevent inmates from cheeking the meds to give to others or hoard them.  The last step of the root canal was uneventful.  Basically it got filled in.  They declined to do the other needed work.  I understood that. They’ve got an 8 month backlog of people needing dental work at FMCI.  I was told the Department of Corrections (DOC) is trying to make a dental waiting list that isn’t dependent on what facility you’re in.  Sounds like a good idea to me.  After I got back to my unit, there was a response to my second information request to Ms. Greer.  It said “Let me know if there is anything else you need from me re: this”.  I’m thinking to myself what the heck?  I can easily understand why some inmates just give up when trying to handle things.  They are without a lot of tools being on the inside and then they get frustrated making the effort to resources available to them.  If I hadn’t been writing this I might have given up too.  But tonight I’ll submit another information request conveying my understanding of what Ms. Greer wanted and going to do.  No sense in giving up on her as I really don’t think she is trying to blow me off. 

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Self Defense, Instinct or Both?

I’m at the Fox Lake Minimum Correctional Institution (FMCI), a facility in the Wisconsin Prison System (WPS).  It may not come as a shock to you that many inmates have problems with boundaries.  The real question for me is whether or not the person violating my boundaries has acted in a malicious manner or is it just the way they are.  Most of the time I have an opportunity to assess the situation or person and methodically make a decision how I’ll react to a violation.  That wasn’t the case today.  This particular situation involved an inmate named Charlie who lives in my row of bunks on Unit 9.  Charlie who has been in many years, goes up and down the aisles, begging coffee, food and it is rumored he is not above taking something left out on a bunk or cupboard.  In fact, it got to the point where inmates in other rows in an effort to defend their row  without having to snitch, joined together and told him he was banned from their aisle.  Policing themselves has mixed success at a minimum security level.  It is more effective in a medium environment where the threat of violence is more prevalent.  Unfortunately, since Charlie lives in my aisle, he can’t be banned here.  The problem for Charlie as I perceive it, is he has nobody to help him financially on the outside.  Neither did I, but I received money for valued possessions which I use for my expenses.  If he did that, how long since it dried up.  Many of us are not without heart.  We gave him coffee and other items.  He promised many he would pay them back in some fashion.  But he repaid very few.  I was one of the few.  You might ask if others expected to be paid back, how are they showing heart or compassion?  Because nothing his ever free, not in the real world but especially here.  When he didn’t pay back the others, fact is no one would do anything about it because Charlie is a physically imposing person.  He is at least 6’8” and at least 300lbs.  But what made people even more angry was he took much of what was given him and traded it for cigarettes.  People felt hustled because they felt they had given to meet his needs.  From his perspective, he had taken what he had gotten to trade to meet his real “need”.  Charlie had misrepresented his intentions to others – again not shocking behavior from some inmates.  The effect of all this was that no one would have anything to do with him.  I thought the situation would improve for him once he got a job in the kitchen.  He would be able to scam food out of the kitchen to trade for his wants or needs, which is exactly what happened.  But for these folks like myself he did pay back, somehow in his mind this represented a bond between him and each individual.  He would come by our bunk areas and want to peer in our cupboards, wanting to know what we had in canteen and trying to propose various deals.  No one was interested and I could see the confusion in his eyes.  But my understanding attitude evaporated yesterday when he came up to me from the side, put his arms around me and whispered he needed food and wanted to trade.  He could have told me he had a pardon from the governor and my reaction would have been the same.  I jabbed my elbow in his rib cage and warned him to step off (back).  Looking surprised he asked me what was with the attitude.  He really didn’t understand this.  Yes, I have issues.  Did I overreact?  I tried unsuccessfully to explain in my agitated state about my space, my boundaries and his need to respect that.  He walked away and it was over.  Normally in these situations one might fear retaliation from others.  Not this time.  Charlie is universally disliked.  But the task before me is to figure out how I can handle a situation like this differently in the future, why I fear people getting in my space so much and what to do about it. 

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