Posts Tagged ‘denial’


I’m at the Milwaukee Secure Detention Facility (MSDF), an institution in the Wisconsin Prison System (WPS), participating in the Earned Release Program (ERP).  After the events on Wednesday, I decided to talk to ERP group members John Lloyd and Larry Sands about how I should handle it.  Should I bring it up in the ERP group, bring it up to my ERP group leader, Ms. Grey, in private or not bring it up at all?  Lloyd was adamant I should leave it alone with his reasoning nothing good would come out of it.  Sands said I should bring it up in group, that if private journal contents which are supposed to only be between the inmate and his ERP group leader could be divulged to another ERP group leader who then divulges it to another inmate supposedly mentioned in the journal (I always used shorthand only known to me to identify another inmate in the journal but the problems with cellie Andre Charles that I and many other inmates had with him were well known) was a clear breach of trust which was a group issue that needed to be addressed.  Sands was right of course but for the wrong reasons.  His relationship with Ms. Grey is strained at this point in time.  After our group did its breathing exercises it became evident she’d been reading complaints about this way of starting group as she asked for a vote on whether to continue it.  Eight of us voted no.  In the ensuing feedback, I pointed out this wasn’t a democracy and others echoed that sentiment.  After she prepared to move on I raised my hand and said I had an issue.  I started from the beginning, about how important confidentiality was and how I had shared things in my autobiography, in other materials and had this not been there I couldn’t have done it.  I then asked if contents of these materials were divulged to others.  She reminded the group and I about the limited confidentiality that exists between us, that other ERP group leaders and her supervisor may be consulted about our cases and should we confess to another crime.  I agreed that’s what we’d been told but asked how it was that another inmate would come by information that had only been in my journal knowing full well what the answer was as Andre had told me yesterday that his ERP group leader had told him.  I was hoping she would connect the dots herself but that was a no go.  She asked me to explain so I did in plain English.  Andre’s group leader asked him about it, told him not to worry about it after his denial, accused me of just trying to get him in trouble and to keep it to himself.  Ms. Grey’s disposition noticeably changed.  She asked me to confirm that another social worker had brought this up to Andre without I or Ms. Grey being present?  I replied yes.  She was furious.  The rest of the group, largely silent, began to speak up on my behalf, saying this process obviously couldn’t be trusted, particularly Sands.  Others tried to bring up their own issues, smelling blood in the water but Ms. Grey shut that down.  Ms. Grey said she wanted to bring all 4 of us together at this point but I argued the point.  Andre is leaving in 3 or 4 days as he’s graduated.  It’s just going to make matters worse in my cell.  The problem will be gone ten.  But she seemed to insist. S he also told me I’d not be allowed to have Sands move in when Andre leaves.  Ms. Grey apologized for the breach that had occurred with the journal.  We’ve suspected there was friction between the various ERP group leaders but now we know it. She was clearly angry as she said she’d be addressing this with them.  I sank in my chair not looking forward to this possible meeting.  The guys in the group came up to me, especially Lloyd, saying I should have left it alone.  Perhaps they are right.  Maybe in a “normal” treatment environment I did the right thing bringing it up.  But not here, that’s for sure.  Two things are clear.  I’ll never put anything important in their journal again.  And I’ll bet Ms. Grey will start reading them more often from now on. 

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I’m at the Milwaukee Secure Detention Facility (MSDF), an institution in the Wisconsin Prison System (WPS), participating in the Earned Release Program (ERP).  This morning in our ERP group we started off with a video called Wall of Denial another Jack Cooper video.  It was ok, nothing we haven’t’ already covered on denial.  At 11:15 was my first scheduled phone call with my parole officer (PO) from Waukesha County, Janet Martin.  After I asked the 1st shift guard Roscoe Peters to hold my lunch tray, I went up with my ERP Coordinator, Ms. Grey, for the call.  Ms. Martin didn’t know I ‘d lost my place to stay in Green Bay, WI that I had indicated earlier.  She asked what my plan as.  I told her once I graduate from the ERP program on June 10th, a friend (one of my sponsors) would help me setup an apartment in Green Bay.  Ms. Martin vetoed that saying she wouldn’t have time to approve the address prior to my release.  I said I’d have to get released prior to finding a place in Green Bay.  Ms. Martin then told that things change at that point, I would also have to have a job prior to that point of being allowed to go there.  Of course, I’ll have no way to get to Green Bay to do that.  She cautioned me not to attempt to go without permission.  Ms. Martin told me she’d put me on a waiting list for transitional living placement (TLP) but that sex offenders get first priority on those.  Realistically, due to the numbers, I won’t get into that. The last option is the Salvation Army shelter.  My heart sank.  The realization dawned on me that I was going to be….. homeless.  I’ve been homeless before, many years ago, when I was a much younger man living in Dallas, TX, prior to pulling my life together.  I never thought I’d see this again.  But that’s the reality I’m looking at.  I’ve got a couple of ideas but they are long shots.  Of course, the anxiety junkie in me took over the rest of the day.  After lunch, Ms. Grey couldn’t figure out what part of the Milkman Workbook she wanted to work out of only to conclude the book wasn’t worth the effort.  I wanted to snap at her for not being prepared but fortunately I didn’t.  I’m not really mad at her.  We then did more work on irrational thinking and thinking through your actions.  My cellies of course were no help a tall, knowing I was in an emotional state especially Andre Charles.  I wanted to withdraw into myself until I could make sense of this whole thing but he just went on and on about how things will suck for me on parole.  Then of course supper was Turkey Tetrazzini, the worst meal in the whole WPS!  But one thing I got to get a hold of here is I’ve got to have faith something will work out and not get so worked up.  It’s just easier said than done.


I’m at the Milwaukee Secure Detention Facility (MSDF), an institution in the Wisconsin Prison System (WPS), participating in the Earned Release Program (ERP).  The morning in our ERP group we finished the movie “Antwone Fisher” starring Denzel Washington, after which we did a questionnaire on the movie.  But talk about art paralleling life!  I just had biological family relatives finally getting in touch with me recently.  I did share what was going on with me in the ensuing discussion and how I was happy the movie didn’t end with some cheesy glorious ending between his mother and him.  Ok, I’m a little jaded.  I just don’t think it happens that often.  Afterwards we finished up the “Rational Thinking” workbook from The Change Companies.  At the afternoon session, we watched a ten year old movie called “Tough Guise”.  Its premise is basically we as men have been programmed to think as violent creatures in order to prove our manhood.  We were encouraged to not believe that obviously.  We received a new workbook “The Price of Freedom is Living Free – Lifestyles and Values” by Jack D. Cooper, published by Kindred Publishing and Productions, and were assigned the first 10 pages.  We were also given a bunch of handouts on Denial, Defense Systems, the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy model, thinking cycle, core beliefs, irrational thinking, the three R Cycle (resentment, rehearsal, revenge) and Stages of Change.  It took 20 minutes to get all this passed out.  To be honest, I’m under motivated right now.  I was up at 5 am to get a shot at the shower and laundry so I’m tired.  I also know this family stuff is on my mind.  I don’t know if they were aware of the early years.  One of them doesn’t know I know my biological father raped them too (his own sister).  Part of me really wished this hadn’t come along right now but something tells me the timing is no accident.  To make matters worse, I caught Andre Charles in my locker but he didn’t know I was watching.  He’s accustomed to have been doing this with Brian Whalen.  So I got the combination to my lock and moved things around so I can lock up my canteen.  That’s going to create questions but this anxiety junkie doesn’t need another reason to get uptight.  Bottom line it’s just not a great day for me.  You have those too.  Issues are different but the results are the same.  But it’s going to be ok.  At count right after supper, the second shift guard announced we shouldn’t interrupt him while he was eating because “dieting makes you crazy” and it must be obvious to us he was a bodybuilder.  We all laughed.  Nobody cared what he does or what his problems were.  But it made me smile so that was a good thing.


I’m at the Milwaukee Secure Detention Facility (MSDF), an institution in the Wisconsin Prison System (WPS), participating in the Earned Release Program (ERP). Our ERP group coordinator, Betty Grey is really struggling.  We didn’t see her at all yesterday and today she pulled us together in that same dimly lit exercise room.  She was clearly frustrated with the situation.  Having come from Racine Correctional Institution (RCI), I’m sure she was far more supported than she is here.  Questions inmates in the group had that are especially centered around visitation with the holiday coming up, questions regarding interstate compacts (which permit inmates to move across state lines) and other MSDF procedures.  Ms. Grey just had no answer.  Larry Sands, a group member, suggested we ask the other group coordinators those questions which made Ms. Grey uncomfortable.  Throughout the rest of the day she handed out paperwork that we should have been given at the time homework was given that gave us direction on how to do it.  It was just a sense of general disorganization, something someone new in a job might very well have.  I feel bad for her to be honest.  We had our community meeting today, my first while in the ERP program.  The phrase today was “Always do what you are afraid to do” and the word today was “grim” as in “No man ever understands his own artful dodges to escape the grim shadow of reality” talking about how we practice denial and don’t even see the depth of our own self deception.  Then a skit was done about how we pursue the easier short sighted self gratification instead of working for a better future.  We provided comments on each as they occurred.  Then one man stood up with the news article for the week and it focused on Brett Favre’s streak ending.  He tied it to what we’re doing here by saying Favre was in recovery and accomplished his streak while in recovery from his Vicodin addition.  The only problem is Favre is not in “recovery” at least not in the traditional sense.  But nothing was said.  The announcement was made we wouldn’t have this meeting the next 2 Fridays because of the holidays.  My cellie, Frank Whalen, then stood up to read something but the coordinator told him not to which was odd.  The meeting broke and we all went to clean our cells as is the custom on Fridays.  Whalen came and got me and asked me to read what he had.  HIs girlfriend, a 60 year old therapist (he’s 44) had written him an amazing letter describing him as a Narcissistic but that he was an awesome, terrific person to her.  Turns out he hadn’t even read it and he was going to read it to the whole group.  I told him this was a bad idea as she went into detail on his failure and sex life and I felt that some inmates would use that info to torture him.  Whalen asked me what was in it and I told him his girlfriend loved him very much but had some things to tell him and he should sit down by himself to read it.  I was envious of him for a minute, having such a lady who stood by him despite his crimes.  But I was happy he’s not alone in this world.  I got a letter saying Lucy had changed her mind and decided I couldn’t stay there when I get out due to personal reasons.  It’s her right to change her mind and I can’t really blame her.  I’m a felon and a burden at this point.  Of course, I’d already turned in my paperwork on this so I don’t know what will happen.  I’ve got 23 weeks to go but Ms. Grey wants to know now to do her job.  I appreciate your prayers and I’ll keep working on this.