Posts Tagged ‘Answer’


I’m at the Milwaukee Secure Detention Facility (MSDF), an institution in the Wisconsin Prison System (WPS), participating in the Earned Release Program (ERP).  There’s been so much going on I haven’t been able to get it all in the past few entries.  But a couple things to note you should know.  First, regular second shift guard Ruth Barthowski has let everyone know she is retiring as of May 1st (today is April 18th). There’s not a one of us that isn’t sad to see her go.  Simply put, she is the best corrections officer I’ve seen.  They’ll have to break the mold with her gone.  Guard Mike Metcalf is openly campaigning for the job much to our dismay.  Metcalf says he’s going to “clean up our unit”.  Inmates have already filed several inmate complaint forms against him just based on the few days he filled in.  Just not a great start.  We’ll see what happens.  Next we had a new ERP group come in to replace the last graduating class.  At least three members of that class had relatives who had found this blog and told them, even sending printed copies of them of some entries to let them know what was in store for them.  Even had not MSDF or the DOC found out about the blog it would’ve come out anyway.  I’m not mad.  I’m proud.  We’ve done something good her.  Now onto the day.  We started out on the Child Maltreatment module.  First we watched a video called Casey’s Gift For Love of a Child.  Though it was an old video, it communicated effectively the pain and guild people felt over the loss of a child and how they each dealt with it.  Many of us weren’t too sure what it had to do with the theme of Child Maltreatment but it kind of fit.  The packet was gone over in the afternoon. It covered sexual, physical, emotional and verbal abuse.  My comments were directed mostly at resisting the idea that somehow the child or abuse victim, particularly in extreme cases, is capable of walking away or getting help, that outside intervention is almost always required.  People want simplistic answers because it’s easier for them to understand and then blame the victim.  But if you’ve lived that life you know exactly what I’m talking about.  At the end of the day we had time to kill and the topic of this blog came up again.  ERP group leader Ms. Grey again reiterated no confidentiality had been broken.  I talked with the group how its changed my life, helped others and the idea of maybe writing a book someday.  Group member Scott Dietz challenged me saying I must have too much time on my hands.  I was gracious in my response as I explained that it was a choice of what to do with ones time locked up.  I didn’t choose to spend a lot of time working out or playing cards but writing and dealing with my own issues while doing so.  Later on cellie Larry Sands confirmed many felt resentment over what I’ve done, if they’d been mentioned.  They will just have to read it when they get out.  But I’ve decided I won’t discuss this blog with anyone here anymore when they ask about it. My instinct tells me its’ the right way in handling this. 


I’m at the Fox Lake Minimum Correctional Institution (FMCI), a facility in the Wisconsin Prison System (WPS).  I’ll be on my way to Milwaukee Secure Detention Facility (MSDF) on Monday to begin my ERP program. Some of you have emailed questions to be answered.  Most are confidential and specific to your situation but some might interest others and are more general so I’ll answer them here.

Question:  What will happen to the blog when you are released?

Answer:    The blog will continue.  The focus will change to what life is like on parole as some of the biggest battles and such deal with staying out of prison.  My sponsors and I occasionally talk about whether or not what we’re doing here should have exposure elsewhere and how to accomplish that but none of us really know as this concept and how we do it isn’t all that common.  Those of you who’ve made suggestions and helped promote the blog, please know I’m very grateful and the sponsors work on your suggestions as time permits.  So please keep them coming!    

 

Question:  Do you think going to prison was a good thing for you?  Has it helped with the issues that got you there?

Answer:    I think something had to happen, something had to stop the insanity that was going on.  I deserved to go to prison.  As far as helping with my issues, that work was done by me as you’ve watched over the last 19 months.  Up till now, as I’ve said before, it’s up to me to get better, not the institutions or guards. 

 

Question:  What would have been the length of time needed for you to “get it”?

Answer:    Do you feel I’ve “gotten it”?  I feel I “get it” more and more everyday.  Do I feel ready now to go out there?  Yes!  But God will open that door when its time in spite of any whining I might or you might hear me do.

 

Question:  Did prison save your life?

Answer:    No.  I was suicidal when arrested and it wasn’t well into January of this past year (2010) my resolve and faith was renewed and I made a commitment to stay alive.  Dang it, with my background, cancer, teenage life, battle with mental illness, going to prison and such I feel like there’s a plan out there for me to do something.  If not, I should’ve been dead long ago.

 

Question:  What are you in prison for and what were the circumstances surrounding your crime?

Answer:    I am in prison for my fifth and sixth drunk driving offenses.  In 1995 I had 3 arrests in one year as all I did was party.  As the years went by, the problems described here got worse and worse.  But even as I continued to drink more and more, I kept on improving professionally. There were long periods of sobriety but as things at home and work escalated, I would go “off the deep end”.  I would come out of it, vow to do better, and then would be ok for awhile.  My fifth offense came when I tried to track my step-daughter down who had gone missing and I tried to calm down by drinking.  While out on bail for that, my sixth offense was my suicide attempt where i combined alcohol and seroquel and was determined to drive into a semi on the highway so it would appear as an accident and my family would get my life insurance.  I passed out before I got to the highway.  Obviously, I’ve summarized a great deal here and haven’t gone into great detail on the mental health issues.  But know this:  It was wrong and I deserve to be here because I didn’t seek help when I knew I had to and couldn’t do it on my own.  My pride prevented me from doing so and as a result I lost everything.  That, in a very brief nutshell, is the answer to your question.