When It Rains It Pours

Posted: July 28, 2010 in Uncategorized

I’m at the Jackson Correctional Institution (JCI), a facility in the Wisconsin Prison System (WPS).  You go for weeks and nothing of substance changes and in the space of a few days things turn upside down.  If you’ve been following along, you know things had not been going well with the Program Review Committee (PRC) then the realization the PRC had dropped the ball , the whole racial mess, then finally the disaster of the PRC Hearing. There have been developments in this whole PRC mess that will be in the next entry of this blog.  Nothing good I’m afraid.  But in additional to all this I received a letter from my ex-wife.  It is important you read the Alone Again entry to understand this.  I wrote a letter to my youngest step daughter, asking for her to write a long time ago telling her I loved her and that I’d never forget her.  She never returned my letter.  I didn’t take it personally – well not too much.  In her world, if it’s not a text message, Facebook or MySpace post, your not going to hear from her.  Sure I wish I’d had family around but I had to accept that they weren’t part of my life anymore going forward.  For me to obsess on them, having no way of knowing what was happening and even if I did not being able to do anything about it would have caused the kind of paralyzing anxiety that I can ill afford her.  Weakness of any kind is exploited if fount out.  However; I feel compelled to act, in some way, in some fashion.  The letter described the prison my youngest step daughter has created around herself since I’ve been out of the picture.  Drug use, cutting herself, illicit sex, depression.  It really is my worst nightmare for her come true.  She doesn’t respect her mother.  She has requested I write another letter to my little girl, hoping I’ll reach her.  It’s a no brainer that I should write this letter. It is not realistic to hope it’ll stop her downward cycle.  It doesn’t mean I won’t try.  The only question is what to say.  Do I communicate the pain in my heart that they are no longer part of my life, of how much I terribly miss her, or my desire to hug her as I used to when I was trying to make things better?  Do I tell her how much I blame myself for what has happened, that if I could take it back and change things I would?  Do I beg forgiveness?  Do I remind her of her sister’s path and how that turned out?  Do I tell her to make good choices that then everything will turn out ok somehow eventually?  Obviously, I’ve got to write this letter and if she chooses to re-engage me to cope as best as I can.  The thought crosses my mind, if I’d been out, could I have stopped this?  I’ll never know.  Asking the question is pointless, only torturing myself.  My ego needs to be checked.  As if I can control the worlds events.  I want to protect and to save her, that’s what a father does.  I’m thankful that I can pray and cry alone in my cell tonight.  My prayers and tears express the agony of my soul and my requests to God to help my little girl.  It’s all I have right now. 

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